Any Moment by Winter Baby
Written for CGB
any moment the
whole world,
all I want of the world, coming down.
-Carl Phillips, "Domestic"
[ 1993 ]
The first
time she sees John he's crying a little, trying hard
not to let it show. She doesn't go up to him. Lets him suffer in
silence and watches from afar as he pulls himself back together.
The shouting
of police officers and the static of radios filling
the air as she walks away from the Doggett house. Rounds the
corner and can't find a clue as to how a little boy could be
pulled off his bike without anyone noticing.
John follows
her, eyes scanning the sidewalks too and then
meeting hers. Clear blue and filled with hope that she's found
something the cops haven't. Shakes her head no and feels her
heart break when she sees his face fall.
She wants
nothing more to tell him that everything will be all
right. They'll find him.
Knows that
to be a lie. Things like these don't have happy
endings.
* * *
Only his
second day at the New York office and already Follmer
calling her "Mon." Type of guy to think that's OK, that he has
the right to be so familiar with her. Overly friendly and overly
confident and overly everything.
Sees right
through him, but still can't help thinking he'd be
good in bed. She has half a mind to find out for herself.
[ 1994 ]
The night
John's divorce is finalized. A Twilight Zone marathon
on TV and countless shots of tequila, with John doing twice as
many as her. Comes back from the kitchen with coffee to find him
passed out on her couch.
Goes to pull
a blanket over him, but he grabs her arm suddenly
and moves to kiss her, eyes drunk and feverish. Face pressed
close to hers and she smells alcohol and aftershave.
Turns her
head and backs away, hoping he won't remember this in
the morning. Leaves him asleep on the couch and goes to bed not
thinking of him. Not thinking at all.
* * *
It's not
tender or passionate but it's more fun than she's had in
a while. Giggling and flirting and kisses up and down her
collarbone. Brad saying he could get fired over this and her
answering, "But that's what makes it fun" while running her
hand
down his torso.
Rain pouring
outside and her hair still wet from the mad dash
back to his apartment. Soaked-through clothes flung onto the
floor and them falling into bed, laughing the whole way down.
[ 1995 ]
The phone
ringing and John calling from the Academy. Teases him
about being the oldest cadet and asks if some of her former
teachers are still there. Didn't realize how much she's missed
him until she heard his voice on the other end.
Excitement
in his voice about all the things he's learning, all
the things they didn't teach him at the police academy. Listens
with a smile plastered on her face even though he's not there to
see the guilt in her eyes. Won't tell him about Brad. Can't tell
him about Brad.
Says her
goodbyes and goes to hang up when John suddenly says,
"Monica." Waits for him to say something, but only hears him
sigh. "Never mind."
Doesn't press him. Lets him go.
* * *
Brad pulling
her into his office and his secretary giving her a
dirty look.
Doesn't care.
Wants him. Barely slams the door shut behind her
before yanking off his belt. Pushes him against the desk and
kisses him hard, over and over again. Desperate, and he can tell.
Brad's arm
holding her back and worry in his eyes. "What's going
on?"
Shakes her
head and whispers, "Shut up. Shut up," before
straddling him. Makes him forget with the rhythm of her body that
she's crying.
[ 1999 ]
Doesn't understand
why John isn't coming home. It's been four
years already and she still hopes that he'll return to New York.
His answer, "Why don't you come to D.C.?"
Neither wanting
to leave what they now consider home. Her not
wanting to leave Brad, but John will never know that.
* * *
Hot and humid
in New Orleans. Old World mysticism and heavy air
that weighs down on everything, like ivy hanging off crumbling
mansions. Fieldwork that fascinates her and people who are more
alive than she's ever realized.
Can't bring
herself to go to D.C. and face John. But couldn't
stay in New York.
Brad calling
but she hangs up on him. Doesn't want to hear his
excuses or explanations. Always suspected he didn't play by the
rules but never thought he could be that dirty.
Saxophone
jazz from the street drifting in through the window.
Her phone ringing again and she unhooks it. Pulls out her files
and loses herself in her work.
[ 2001 ]
Can't keep
John's attention long enough. Sees his gaze wandering
towards the redhead sitting at the desk and wants to slap his
eyes back to the file she's showing him.
Not jealous.
Just wants him to realize it's pointless. The
redhead in love with a man who's gone but never really gone, and
not even John can compete with his memory.
Puts the
file away and moves back to her desk. Waits for John to
wake up.
* * *
Sees Brad
walking down the halls and can't help smiling at him.
Knows he's made a lot of mistakes but he's still a good man.
Stops him and asks him for coffee because she thinks it's such a
waste to not be friends after all that good sex.
He makes
an excuse about having a meeting but takes the time to
ask, "How's John?"
Doesn't answer
because she knows what he means. Doesn't answer
because there's nothing to say.
[ 2002 ]
John kissing
her and it's not as awkward as she thought it would
be. Soft lips and the Yankees game on in the background. Normal
Sunday afternoon except for the accidental brushing of arms and
sidelong glances.
Posada hitting
a home run and somehow John's mouth finding its
way onto hers. Crawling over cushions to reach each other and he
whispers, "Is this weird?" Shakes her head no and pulls him
onto
her.
"Stay
with me," he says between breathless kisses and she doesn't
refuse.
* * *
Brad pulling
her aside after a meeting. "Is this what you really
want, Monica?"
Wonders how
he knows about her and John. Wonders if anyone else
knows. Brad looks sincere and maybe even a little sad. "I just
wanted you to be happy."
People filling
out until the conference room is empty and he
kisses her. Sweetly and sadly and full of regret.
She breaks
away with a sob caught in her throat and walks out of
the room with his mournful taste still on her lips.
[ 2003 ]
Lies in bed,
half asleep. Listens to John talk about marriage and
children. Won't admit that it scares her a little, won't admit
that she revels in it a little.
Practicality
wins out. "This is hardly the time for children,
John."
Lost in a
sleepy haze but she can still feel him tense up next to
her. Runs a hand over his arm reassuringly and says, "Someday,
but not today. Not when it's so dangerous."
Curls up
next to his body and feels his arms wrap tight around
her. Hopes that he's satisfied for now. Hopes that he
understands.
* * *
Dashes upstairs
as soon as she hears the news, ignoring John's
calls after her. Bursts into Brad's office to find him packing
files into a cardboard box.
A meaningful
look and his secretary stops taping up boxes to
leave them alone.
An awkward
silence hangs heavy in the air until she blurts out,
"You were going to leave without telling me?"
Watches him
wipe dust off his hands with a handkerchief. "There's
nothing keeping me here, Monica."
Won't admit
how much that hurts. "I was happy in New York," he
explains. "And as I recall, so were you."
Doesn't answer,
because that would be admitting too much. Turns
around to see John standing at the doorway, waiting for her with
a clenched jaw.
John takes her hand and she lets him lead her away.
* * *
Brad in New
York and John still angry with her. The office
upstairs empty and the tense silences in the basement.
She tells herself she knows what she wants.
[ end ]
