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Huck
and Molly were tucked away in bed when Toby had Alana call Andi.
He
knew because Andi didn't yell into the phone, like she might have.
She
would have. He scratched his beard and thought of what Andi would
have said to him.
Was
going to say to him.
Why
was it that the ability to use the English language always left
him
in times like these?
Alana
hung up the phone. "She saw the President's announcement,
Toby."
She sighed. "It may be awhile before you can see them. It
will depend on Andi."
Toby
nodded.
It
would depend on him, too.
---
He
did not do it to prove he was morally superior. He resented Jed
for that.
He
was thinking of him as 'Jed' because it made his stomach clench
to remember
that he used to work for the President of the United States.
He
did not do it to prove anything.
Except
maybe he did.
He
had driven to David's grave, sat in front of it and thought for
a long time. He
had already called Greg Brock. He wanted to tell someone, anyone,
that a story was going to break and there was going to be hell
to pay.
He
wanted to tell C.J. She still wasn't used to that office. He still
walked in there
looking for Leo. He imagined she did, too.
He
wanted to tell her. It was only fair.
Except,
when the buzzards came, it would be better that they only got
a piece of him.
---
Toby
sat in his living room, the television on but muted. He was staring
at the phone, daring it to ring. When it rang, it would be Alana,
with news about Huck and Molly.
It
would not be C.J.
The
phone rang.
"Hi."
It
was C.J.
"You
shouldn't call here."
"I'm
on a pay phone. In Alexandria. They won't know."
"They'll
know."
"I
had to call you."
Silence.
"Why
did you do it?"
"Did
you see that Mets game the other night? How hard is it to hire
a pitcher who can throw a curve ball?"
"Why,
Toby?"
"How
about some of that champagne sometime soon, C.J.? We could just
come back here and it could be like old times, you know, before
Danny and before even Andi..."
"Damn
it, Toby!"
He
lost it. "Because! Just because! I had to. Someone had to.
How could we let people, our people, die when we had a way to
save them, just so that...."
He
paused for breath and she took advantage. She always took advantage
of his lapses in concentration.
"Just
so that what? It was almost me, Toby. It should have been...."
And
he did it right back.
"No,
it shouldn't have, and it wasn't. This was my thing."
His
brilliant use of the English language.
Silence.
"C.J.?"
"Toby."
"He
was right. He was right about me."
"Toby,
what did he say?"
But
Toby had already hung up the phone.
---
He
did not think that Jed was right.
But
he wondered.
He
had crashed and burned many times in his career. Jed Bartlet was
his first success.
Perhaps
men like Toby Ziegler weren't meant for successes. Maybe they
were meant to be the poets of destruction.
C.J.
had said something like that, once, before there was a campaign
and a win and the White House. He had just married Andi, and he
was sleeping with C.J.
Doomed
to failure, she'd said. You are always undoing what you have done,
and you do it in a spectacular fashion.
I
can't believe you just said "undoing what you have done,"
he said, and they went back to kissing and pretending that Andi
did not know what was going on.
He
crashed and burned. In a spectacular fashion.
So
maybe he could not handle winning.
Or
success.
But
he told Greg Brock about the shuttle because....
And
he was still at a loss for words.
---
Toby
got to see his kids, but they were more interested in the sandbox
at the park than in him.
Andi
was not speaking to him. Or, she was speaking to him, just not
about anything other than the kids and the weather.
She
was wearing a beige shift dress and a matching jacket, and he
wondered again why he let her go.
"Andi?"
"This
week I have to take them to the doctor for their check-ups, thankfully
this one will be shot-free..."
"Andi."
She
looked him in the eye for the first time. "Toby, don't do
it."
Now
it was his turn to look away. "Don't do what." He knew,
so he wasn't asking.
"Don't
pick this apart and try to apply what you did here to everything
you have ever done. Telling the world about military space shuttles
is not the same as cheating on your wife."
"Maybe
it is. Maybe it was always about everything being too good to
be true, and me making it all come crashing down."
"Maybe.
But so what? You did the right thing. The moral thing."
"He
thinks I think I'm morally superior to him."
"Him?"
"Jed."
"Since
when....?"
"Since
I couldn't even think the words 'I was fired by the President
of the United States.'"
"Did
you think he would stick up for you?"
Huck
and Molly ran back to the bench to give their mother messy, sand-covered
hugs. Huck gave a rock to his father, and they ran back. The whole
three or four feet, they ran like the wind.
"I
thought he would fight me, not let me resign."
"Did
you want him to?"
Toby
shook his head slightly, a move only Andi would recognize for
its petulance.
"Then
leave it, Toby. Move on."
They
watched the twins play in the sand, Molly giggling at her brother,
Huck throwing sand at some imaginary foe, defending his sister's
honor.
"Andi,
I'm sorry."
She
took his hand and squeezed it, and let go. "You weren't then,
and you aren't now. It wasn't the moral thing to do. Or maybe
it was, if by being with the woman you secretly wanted while you
were married to the one who wanted you was moral. I don't know.
But you and I are way past apologies."
He
said nothing, and Huck ran over to show him another rock.
---
"Do
you swear...."
His
hand on a Bible.
He
didn't read the Bible.
He
felt like shouting that he was Jewish and he wasn't going to swear
on this book, and they couldn't make him, and this was unconstitutional,
and and and.
And.
There
were days for such fights. He had tried not to squander them.
"I
do."
He
told the truth one more time, hopefully one last time. No, no
one else had known he was going to leak the story. He only talked
to Greg Brock. No, C.J. Cregg had no prior knowledge.
No
one asked him why.
He
thought about David. While counsel was called to approach the
bench (one question was leading, and it was too much for defense
counsel, and this was needlessly ugly, he'd confessed), he thought
of David's white headstone, so perfect, so much like so many others.
How many needless deaths? How many lives might have been saved
if someone in the White House had just admitted
that yes, there were things, ugly and terrible things, that were
made and used and no one was supposed to know.
But
that wasn't why.
David
would have hated him for this.
He
did it because someone should.
A
line should be drawn in the sand, thought Toby.
The
court went on and his trial, the sideshow, the useless waste of
taxpayer money, went on.
A
line should be drawn in the sand. Moral men should draw it and
say, enough is enough.
---
In
the last pages of Toby Ziegler's memoirs, there was a line cut
out of the final draft.
"President
Bartlet was a moral man. I never had the courage to come out and
say that I did not think he was moral enough. I wanted him to
be the one to draw the line in the sand."

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